lessons in on-line dating
posted March 13, 2005 at 03:50 pm
Since my separation in July of 2000 from my ex-husband, I have been a fairly consistent member of online dating services, primarily Matchmaker and Match. This means that with the exception of brief interruptions here and there when I was either seeing someone or had given up due to temporary frustration, I have been "looking for love" online for well over four years now.
Given that I'm still clearly quite single as I write this, it might seem logical at this point to declare all those membership dollars to have been wasted. But there are things I've learned from my experiences that were definitely worth the money spent.
1. Age matters.
No one likes to admit they're getting older, but women especially suffer from the beast imposed by what their particular age represents. The young, hot men want young, hot women; and the older, successful men want young, hot women. Where does that leave us hot (we hope!) women who still feel young despite the date on our birth certificate?
Paging through email from disgusting old farts (and a few extremely young boys who are looking for an "experienced teacher").
Semi-disclaimer: One of my current sweeties is 24 years old, but he's smart, surprisingly mature, and very complimentary to me about my attractiveness; so maybe age doesn't matter quite as much as I originally thought. But overall, Lesson #1 still holds true - he didn't find me on Match. ;)
2. Men have to be the hunters.
This is the premise I feel the most conflicted about.
I'm likely the most non-traditional, anti-Rules woman you will ever meet. I don't believe women should just sit in a corner and look pretty, I believe we should be assertive and confident and visible. The sad truth seems to be that we can be all of those things in the online dating world, but we cannot make the first move to try to get the relationship started.
Now, I'm sure there are many long-term relationships out there that began with the woman sending the first email. You lucky ducks, I'm soooo happy for you! But men being the complicated creatures that they are, I personally am starting to lend more credence to the theory that the overwhelming majority of them need the thrill of the chase, and they have to be the one to select their prey. Think of it as the difference between tracking and trapping a wildcat in the mountains versus coming across the same animal caged at the zoo, where you watch her submissively roll over on her back for a friendly tummy scratch. If it's that easy, how much fun could it be?
The men who've caused me the greatest amount of grief have all been ones where I initiated the contact, with one exception. And ironically, even with Mr. Exception, I'm pretty sure I still chose him first: the day before he contacted me, I saw his picture, went Hmmmm and added him to my Favorites list. No, he couldn't tell that I'd done this, but I'm fairly convinced that I set off some sort of psychic bell in his mind when I did, and that made all the difference. ;)
Maybe it's just my own innate ability to be attracted to the wrong type of man that's the issue here; at any rate, it's gotten to the point where I've become more passive in the dating world than I am in other areas of my life, due to my growing belief that men need to be the pursuers and feel they've bested all others in order to win the prize (ahem, that would be me).
3. Men have been spoiled by women who don't follow the hunter theory.
This is the unfortunate downside to number 2.
Younger men in particular aren't accustomed to hunting. They've been so overwhelmed by "Girl Power" that all they have to do is sit back and let the booty trickle in.
Older men, who do remember what hunting was like, know how to start the chase, but very early on they often try to hand over the reins to you, expecting that you will willingly take over the pursuit by calling them, emailing them, sending them instant messages, driving over to their house to "hang out", selecting the restaurant for dinner, and picking up the tab.
The 43 year old man in my life has apparently had so many years of being chased down by women that we almost were finished before we began: he took the fact that I wasn't constantly calling him after our first date as a sign that I wasn't interested enough. When I explained that just wasn't my style, he said "Oh, so you're a traditional girl!", and then it all made perfect sense to him.
Ah, yes, us Traditional Girls - a rare breed indeed.
Another disclaimer: Since this initial miscommunication was resolved, he's been absolutely spoiling me. ;)
4. "Date" and "hang out" are euphemisms for sex.
"Do you date?"
Apparently, this means going out with different people and having sex with all of them. Or it's code for "prostitution", in which case, I missed my chance to make a Hussy payment.
"Wanna come over and hang out?"
When a guy keeps suggesting this and he's never even offered to take you out on a real date first, he's just hoping to get a little action.
5. Men have an inflated sense of their own attractiveness.
On Matchmaker, you could rate your own level of physical appeal. 99.9% of men who contacted me there had rated themselves as "Above Average" or better. Some of their photos triggered my gag reflex so hard that I couldn't hit my delete key fast enough.
(Hey, no one likes to describe themselves as "Average", but a man who can't face the truth about his own shortcomings won't be motivated to improve them, and will only get uglier as time goes by.)
Some guys think they're more attractive if their picture is blurry, or from their senior yearbook, or shows their adorable pet. No one loves a cute doggie more than me, but I'm not planning to date Rover.
6. Men are visual reactors, not thoughtful readers.
Well, we knew this already, didn't we, ladies? A man will see your picture and wink at you without ever reading your profile. This is easy to discern when you read their profile and see that they're seeking a Christian woman who doesn't smoke or drink, has no children but wants them, always votes straight Republican, and enjoys bowling, fishing, and NASCAR.
You fit none of these requirements whatsoever. You do not wink back. You sigh and move on to the next email from a guy who didn't read your profile either.
7. Men are proud of their penises.
I cannot begin to tell you the number of male organs I have seen over the past few years - and no, I'm not talking about in person.
It's amazing how quick these guys are to share - some do it right off the bat, as though I'll overlook the fact that they are otherwise physically repugnant as long as their penis is pretty, or long, or thick, or all three (and yes, it is possible for a penis to be pretty as odd as it sounds). Some wait a short amount of time, do the whole "polite conversation" thing, and then suddenly, they're showing me pictures of the Little Soldier at attention and wanting to play with him in front of their webcams while I watch.
Hey, I admit it, I can be a voyeur now and then (sitting home alone on a Saturday night can sometimes be terribly boring). But I really like to get to know a man a little better before being introduced to Mr. Happy, and even then, it's best if some shared laughter, food, wine and foreplay (more, please?) precede the unveiling.
8. Men have learned to use language which appeals to women.
Apparently, men love cuddling on the couch by candlelight, romantic dinners by candlelight, bubble baths by candlelight, shopping by candlelight, walking hand in hand in the rain by candlelight, communicating by candlelight, and watching sports on TV by candlelight.
Oh wait, sorry, that would be "watching chick flicks on TV by candlelight".
9. Men think women are too dumb to recognize form letters.
Guys, I can always tell when you've sent me an impersonal, generic email. No matter how much work you've put into it to make it seem that it was meant just for me, I'm never fooled.
9. There are a lot of wackos out there.
I've had men send me rambling, psychotic emails. I've had men send me emails with the first three chapters of their autobiography inside (where they describe their ex-wives as something you might see on Jerry Springer). I've had men curse me out for not replying to their email. I've had men send me an email just to tell me smoking is nasty, or that I should "get a life". I've had men send me emails by having another woman write them from her account. I've had men send me the same email over and over and over again, presumably thinking I must not have received the first twelve copies they sent.
Sadly, their pictures and profile often portray them as perfectly normal human beings, which just goes to show that the book and its cover don't necessarily reflect the same level of high-quality content.
Conclusion
Based on my on-line experiences, I finally realized I had to revamp my entire approach to dating. Despite the ease with which I could engage someone with a simple wink or email, ultimately, nothing has "clicked" for me so far. I broadened my horizons, joined some other on-line groups (the kind which would embarrass my mother, so I'll not elaborate further), and started being more aware of when a guy is indicating interest in me even though I'm not really expecting it (like my car salesman, who I dated briefly).
Because of this, I also decided to abandon my previous pattern of being a "serial monogamist" (concentrate on only one guy at a time to see where it goes) and have now adopted the "pair and a spare" rule (have at least three guys who I'm actively interested in, and spread the attention around more equally to maintain balance). This approach has given me a fuller social life while eliminating the pressure of putting all my eggs in one basket (only to find them cracked and runny within a few weeks).
So, while I have no doubt there are success stories in the world of on-line dating, I'm not sure it's going to be the method that ultimately works for me. I've met some nice guys, some not so nice guys, and some who fall in the middle. It's not bad enough yet to make me give up my Match account - but these days, I see it more as a source of daily amusement rather than something I expect will bring me the man of my dreams.
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Comments
i think that is a great theory! i've had the same problems on match. it just made me hate dating. i've been thinking about jumping in again, but i'm just not that into it. i hope you find a good one!
I've had similiar problems for years now. I found out I am too quirky to date. I am not comfortable with small talk and not one to date mulitple people at the same time. Although, I feel like I'm a reasonabley intelligent, cute person with a myriad of hobbies (programming, painting, guitar, to flying planes), what appears to only matter is that I'm a middle aged single mom. Guys my age want someone with less baggage and bigger boobs! In my 20's, I spent most of my time looking for Mr. Right. Now, in my 30's, I am investing the time in myself. Maybe in my 40's, I will give "dating" another chance. Online dating to me is worse than dating people from bars. Online, you never know what facades they are hiding behind and whom they are supposedly professing their affections to. It's too easy to "shop".
8. Men have learned to use language which appeals to women.
You forgot NASCAR racing by candlelight and NHL hockey by candlelight...oh, the romantic rush of taking a curve at 250 mph with only two flickering candles on the hood to light your way, or the romantic thrill as you evade a swinging stick that's headed for your face, briefly glimpsed by teh candlelight... :/)
I was touched by your post. I am a guy and want to assure you that there are a lot of sincere men out there. Just keep looking.
Thanks a lot for the advice about cyberdating. At least, people who would read your article would me more informed about on line dating the next time they engage into it. In an age where most people now resort to the web to meet people, such tips are important to take note of.
I dated for 20 years in "the real world". I always had a boyfriend--nice, decent, employed, good looking men usually. My boyfriends usually shared common interests -- in particular, a love of the outdoors, backpacking, sailing, skiing and climbing. We would meet, date a few times, and it seemed that a monogamous relationship quickly followed. After all, back then, you were lucky to meet someone date-worthy a few times a year. A date was rare, precious and treated as a special opportunity.
But all that changed in the last ten years with online dating. I've found it's almost impossible to get past the first date on to the second. I now date 3 times a week -- instead of a few times a year. And it seems almost impossible to meet a man who honestly shares my interests. And these men (and I admit, myself as well) treat these dates as disposable commodities. Hey, if it doesn't work out, you've got 28 more potential suitors in your in box. So why give a date a second chance, why tolerate someone who might need a few tweaks, who isn't perfect out of the box? Why would you accept a fixer upper when there are so many possibilities to choose from?
In this land of plenty, of too many choices, I find that myself and my friends are lonelier than ever. We expect so much -- and while holding out for perfection, we find the months passing by, increasingly alone.
I for one, would love to see online dating abolished and go back to the "old way" of meeting people -- on the dance floor, cheek to cheek, where the chemistry is obvious, where you can see and smell and touch and feel the electricity of desire coursing through your veins.
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