Matt sent me an instant message on Monday wishing me a belated Happy Mother's Day.

That was very thoughtful and nice of him to do.

  

I really had a rough night last night. When I finally hit the bed at midnight, I was so restless. All I could think about was Matt. And when I finally fell asleep, I dreamed about being with him.

I miss him so very much and all I can think about at the moment is how damned unfair life is.

Whether I'm awake or asleep, I can't escape thoughts of him and it's really beginning to wear me down.

I just don't understand any of this anymore, and I'm mad at myself for missing someone who obviously doesn't miss me back. I mean, if he did, this wouldn't be happening, right? I made it clear the door was still unlocked, and he can knock at any time. And he hasn't, so....

Exactly. Which is why I've got to stop this and soon.

  

I spent a little time on Matchmaker last night, going through the motions but unable to muster up much enthusiasm for any of the profiles. I seem to be receiving a decent amount of mail, but no one so far has piqued my interest.

I did exchange a few mails with someone who I seemed to have talked to for ages on there. But it seems to be one of those things where we'll probably just keep flirting around and never really do anything about it. I'm not sure why that is exactly. For some reason, it's just never moved beyond the goofing-around stage. It would probably be awkward if we finally met because we've teased each other online for so long.

But it's nice to have someone to talk to regardless of whether it amounts to anything or not.

  

I hope I am not giving the impression that I'm falling apart, because I'm not. I guess if anyone really knew me, they'd know that I'm probably more resilient than I appear.

This doesn't mean I don't get upset or cry or feel anxiety; it just means that by letting these feelings out, I probably allow myself to heal faster than I otherwise would.

I have been through lots of terrible things in my life, and I'm still here, kicking around. I'm no Pollyanna, but I do pretty well overall, thank you very much!

There have been many times in my life when things happened from which I thought I would never recover: my sister's death, for example. That was probably the single worst experience of my life, and all I have to do is compare any present difficulty I might be dealing with to that, and it puts it all into perspective.

I would rather have Matt in my life than not, but I won't collapse if I don't. It just would have been a nicer life right now if he was a part of it. He brought a level of happiness to my life that spread to other areas.

My life is certainly not in perfect shape right now; I don't think anyone's life ever achieves perfection. There is always something going on you have to deal with: that's what life is, dealing with stuff that comes up. It's how you grow and become a better person, and sometimes having someone in your life to share that stuff with makes it easier to cope.

It doesn't mean you can't do it alone, but why do it alone unless you have to? Being a martyr won't win you any awards. It just guarantees you'll end up lonely.

Gee, I guess I had more to say today than I thought. =)