I haven't heard anything from Matt. I guess by the end of today, I'll know everything I need to know; at least, the one thing that matters the most.

The silence is the answer.

Perhaps I shouldn't have given him these days without me; I suppose I could have hung in there and forced him to deal with me, instead of offering this easy way out. But I didn't want to add to whatever burdens he was already carrying; I didn't want things to turn ugly between us; and I sincerely believed it was what he needed.

I tried to demonstrate my feelings for him in the best way I knew how. Maybe my way was the wrong way, but it was done with the very best of intentions.

And for me, perhaps it was better to have this happen now, rather than later, when I would be even more emotionally invested in him than I already am.

I am a forgiving person when it comes to those I care about. I've made no secret of the fact that I care very deeply for Matt, and I believe that we had the potential to have a great relationship. In that respect, nothing has changed for me.

That isn't to say that I think he has done anything that needs forgiving; I know he didn't intend to do anything that might hurt me, and if I did get hurt, it was because I tried to interpret what was happening, and I got scared, plain and simple.

I can only speak to what I felt, and when he pulled back and stopped speaking to me, I felt a loss of sorts. And just as he chose the method best suited to dealing with his own situation, I chose the best one I could think of. It may have been wrong, but I'm only human, and therefore, flawed.

At all times, I have tried to understand his feelings, even when he felt he wasn't expressing them well. I ask only that he do me the same courtesy. Whether he realizes it or not, he knows who I am, if he will only listen to the deepest part of himself, and not react to my words or actions with anger or contempt.

Whatever events transpired that pulled him away from me, I hope that he is able to resolve them to his peace and satisfaction. If, in doing so, he finds his way back to me, I will welcome him with the smile he loved so much. Otherwise, I hope that he manages to find happiness and love and all of the wonderful things he truly deserves.

At this point, I have no choice but to accept that, for unknown reasons, he has closed the door on whatever it was we might have had. For me, that door may not be open, but it is still unlocked. I would never turn him away, regardless of what has or hasn't happened.

If he wants to reach me, he knows how. I'm the one who made the first move to start this relationship; now it's up to him to continue it.

That doesn't mean I'll stand idle, waiting and pining away. I can't do that to myself. I too deserve happiness and love. Maybe I won't rush right out to find it; I need time to heal. Yet, eventually, I'll move on - with or without him.

But for now, at this moment, on this day:

Matthew, if I did things the wrong way, please forgive me. I would never deliberately do anything to hurt you. I'm truly sorry if I did.

I miss you, baby - more than you know.

*mwaw*