5:17 am - I woke up screaming and in a cold sweat. I was having a terrible dream, the dream where I was stuck at the top of the narrow pole on a narrow platform, but this time it was dark and cold and windy and rainy, and I was screaming desperately for someone to help me, to save me, to not leave me alone on this pole to die.

And no one came.

And I sat up suddenly in bed, crying and wondering: What the fuck have I done?

  

When I finally talked to Matt last night, I couldn't seem to reach him. He explained that he's had lots of stuff on his mind, that things have come up that only he can deal with, decisions that only he can make. I wanted so badly to be with him so that I could put my arms around him and kiss him and just comfort him.

But I was afraid to tell him these things, for fear it would only pressure him more, and I do not want to be another problem in his life, which I suspect that I am at the moment.

I didn't want to pry, but I didn't know what else to say other than that I'm here for him if he wants to talk, but that the only thing I could think to do was to offer him space to deal with what he has to deal with, without me in the way.

When he didn't respond to that offer, I took that to mean he probably agreed with it. Which hurt at first, but then I realized this wasn't about my pain at the moment, it was about his.

So I told him to please take some time to himself, and that if I didn't hear from him by Wednesday, I'd assume that he didn't want to see me anymore.

He said I was taking this personally, and I replied that I was just trying to guess at how to give him what he needs right now, because he didn't seem able to tell me himself. And that I didn't want to fight with him, I just wanted him to be happy.

And I do want him to be happy - but God help me, I want him to be happy with me! Not that I said that, because I was so damned afraid to. But I ached for him, for his sad face on the web cam, for all the thoughts and feelings running through his head that he can't bring himself to share with me.

And in the end, he seemed grateful for the offer, though it's hard to read between the lines.

Despite the Xanax I had taken, because my anxiety was screaming out of control, I couldn't sleep after I logged off. I panicked: what if he misread what I said as an ultimatum of some sort? Because it wasn't my intention to do that; if anything, the only ultimatum involved was to myself, that if I didn't hear from him, then I would be forced to confront the ugly reality that he didn't want to be a part of my life anymore.

And I cried myself to sleep because I don't want to face that possibility at all.

Forget the fact that my life is already such a mess that this could be the blow that sends me plummeting into a pit I may not be able to crawl easily back out of.

I care so very much about this man and cannot imagine not being able to talk to him, to see him, to kiss him, to touch him, to make love to him, to rub the back of his head, to tickle him with my nails, to hear him moan with pleasure, to watch him move around his apartment, to snuggle up against him naked in bed, to wake up to his touch in the morning light, to smoke on his balcony while watching over the fountain in the courtyard.

Does Xanax make you stupid? Because that's how I feel at the moment: stupid and alone.

My heart is already broken and there's still a possibility of four full days to survive through the unknown. And even then, it may very well get uglier after that.

I go back and re-read the letter I wrote to him in early April, the letter he's never read because I couldn't bring myself to give it to him yet. I was saving it for the right time, when I was sure of where we were going. And it makes me cry even more, knowing he might never read it, never know how I really feel.

I've started praying, which I rarely do, but I don't know where else to turn. I'm so very, very scared right now, and trying hard to stop crying because I know it will only upset my children.

Matthew, baby, please don't let this be the end of us. Please don't push me away.

I hate to beg, but there it is - my heart laid bare.