My new employer is a very nice man. He called and made the offer less than an hour after I left his office. And surprisingly, offered me more money than he would have even had to to get me working for him!

I was driving to Terrell to get the kids when the call came in. I was blown away that he offered me what he did (hey, not that I'm not worth every penny!) and it will definitely help to have the higher salary.

My grandmother and my great-aunt took me to lunch in Terrell while I waited to pick up the kids, and then we went to an outlet mall nearby, where my grandmother bought me an early birthday present: something to wear on my first day at work. Of course, I chose my traditional black with a white top, since I can mix it with the other things I own.

(The office dress code is business casual, which seems easier for guys to fulfill than women. I am not a Docker's kind of girl, so this will be a challenge for me. Plus most of my last wardrobe purchases were all done in the winter, so I'm scrambling to find comfortable yet appropriate clothing.)

The drive back with the kids was exhausting - I've spent too much time on the road the past couple of days and my back was killing me - probably all that stress knotting up right there. We had to go to the grocery store when we got home; despite all that, I still had trouble sleeping!!

Yesterday, I took the kids to the arcade and then to CiCi's for pizza. I was drained, and slept a tiny bit better last night, though thunderstorms woke me up again midway through. This lack of sleep is going to make getting up tomorrow (for my gyno appt) and then getting up even earlier on Tuesday quite a bitch.

I've been researching the Frisco area online, since I am thinking it would be an ideal place to start apartment hunting. It's a small but growing city, about 45,000 people according to their city website. And it would make for a very convenient ride to work.

Then I found out last night (long story) that Matt is buying a house in Frisco! That was a bizarre coincidence to me. I was kind of avoiding looking in Plano because I thought that might be an awkward situation. Not that I wouldn't love to see his damn cute face every single day of my life, but I don't want to borrow heartbreak for myself by accidentally running into him - especially (oh my God!) if it was him with another woman! It's tough enough just driving up the Tollway without thinking about him. Knowing he's living nearby, perhaps in the same zip code? Can I handle that? I just don't know.

This would all be so perfect if things were a little different, wouldn't it? =(

I finally have my gyno appointment tomorrow morning, though I have no idea what the exact time is. Usually they call with a reminder, but they didn't this time. All I know is that it's at 9-something. I'm also not sure where my health insurance card is, haha.

I just realized if I move, I might have to get another gynecologist, unless I want to drive to Arlington once a year. It might just be worth it, to keep the doctor I prefer. Of course, that assumes whatever new insurance plan my employer offers has her on their list.

The changes never stop. I wonder what my life will be like a year from now? Will I even recognize myself anymore?

It's exciting and scary, all at the same time.

I'm going to ask my gyno not only to put me on the pill non-stop, but to also put me back on Zoloft. Despite the fact that things are slowly turning around for me, I don't feel that my mood is as positive as it could be. And my confidence level lately has been mighty low. I hate to rely on a pill for that, but I know my medical history, and I probably should have not allowed my prescription to lapse during this trying time in my life. Now I'll have to go through the physical adjustment all over again. The upside is that in a few weeks, I'll probably feel much better about myself and more able to deal with all the emotions I'm sure to be going through.

I am really, really hoping that my life can be better now, that the worst of it is behind me. But the thing I still have to learn to deal with is my aloneness. Once upon a time, this wouldn't have bothered me so much. It's been different lately. I am not sure I like this dependent side of myself; it's never been who I am or what I'm about, and it's frustrating to find it front and center.

Yet, ironically, I have found myself not wanting the attention of men. I have noticed over these past few days of being all made up for interviews that I am getting plenty of appreciative glances. Yet I don't enjoy it at all. It's like I don't want to be seen or admired. I don't know if I'm still bruised over Matt, or if this is something deeper than that.

I talk to DT and WT on the phone, and the conversations are pleasant enough, especially with DT, but I find myself not wanting to move beyond the phone to anything more. And I just don't understand why that is.

Maybe I need to just find out who Shelley is now, and learn to like her a little more than I have in the recent past. Even just seeing my name - who is that person? She feels like a stranger to me.

How bizarre.