The second former flame is Bud. That's not his real name, but when we were younger, one of our favorite movies was "Urban Cowboy", and we used to teasingly call each other Bud and Sissy after the characters in the movie. Cheesy, huh? Oh well, love is stupid sometimes.

Bud is Scott's father, and that probably has a lot to do with our continued connection - or at least, it's a good excuse for it. Somehow we are always drawn back into one another's lives, and that used to be exciting and amusing and compelling all at the same time.

But after almost twenty years, I can finally say the magic is officially gone - at least for me.

I was a virgin before Bud - and wound up pregnant not long after the first time we finally had sex. Bud and I were always on again, off again, and I found out I was pregnant during one of the "off" times. I really didn't want to tell him, because I didn't want a pregnancy to be the catalyst for us getting back together. I needn't have worried - even once he found out, we stayed split up the entire time of my pregnancy.

Needless to say, it was a miserable time in my life - sixteen, pregnant, and the father off in California. (He ran there to be with his own father during my pregnancy. Couldn't take the heat, I suppose.)

By the time Scott was born shortly before Christmas, we were back together - but it didn't last. By the following summer, he was screwing around on me and actually got another girl pregnant!! What an ass, huh?

Unlike me, she thought pregnancy was a prime excuse for marriage, and he did marry her - the day before Scott turned a year old. That just did wonders for my mood and self-esteem, let me tell you.

Despite the fact that Bud was married to someone else, he still seemed to think he had some special claim on me. He bragged that not only was he my "first", but he was the only guy I'd ever had sex with. I met a guy one night, and we were hanging out in a bowling alley parking lot across from the skating rink where Bud and I had spent a lot of time with our friends (hey, we were teenagers, remember?)

Someone went to the rink and told Bud I was at the bowling alley with this guy, and he came over and literally scared the new guy away. Then and there, I made a conscious decision: to find someone else to specifically have sex with, to break that bond between Bud and me. (Not my most lucid moment, I'll admit.)

I intentionally picked someone that Bud not only knew, but who was older, bigger, and less likely to be intimidated by Bud's blustering ego. And once the deed was done, I made sure that word got back to Bud about it.

He called me up in the middle of the night, crying. I was moved, but not much: after all, he was MARRIED to someone else for chrissakes!

Gradually, I pushed Bud out of my life, not just for my sake, but for Scott's. I didn't feel he was a good role model, unreliable and undependable as he was. I didn't want his money for child support, or him to see me or Scott, I just wanted him gone from both our lives.

Some may question that decision, especially with a child involved. But I believe Scott grew up much better without Bud around than he would have otherwise. My marriage when Scott was four provided him with a much better father figure in his life, and though he struggles now with his maturity level, I am for the most part proud of how he turned out.

Anyway, I'm not going to cover the entire twenty years past. But needless to say, once I got separated and Bud found out about it, and his own marriage was failing (to a third woman, with whom he'd had two more children), he came back into the picture, and has been pursuing me heavily ever since.

A couple of weeks ago, he wanted to take me out to dinner. I didn't really want to go, but Bud doesn't take "no" for an answer easily. I thought it would be smart for me to drive, so that I could control the situation a little better.

Big mistake.

As I drove, he kept leaning over trying to steal kisses, nuzzling my neck. I was freaking out: this felt too unusual, which was odd, because there'd never been any hesitation before where we were concerned. We got to the restaurant, and before we went in, he leaned over and looked at me, and I decided to give it a shot, to try to relax and see if I could enjoy the kiss.

But I couldn't. I didn't. I felt absolutely nothing. I pulled back and got out of the car, feeling awkward and sad. I couldn't tell him that for me, there just wasn't anything there anymore.

He's still calling; I'm trying to be polite, but not encourage him too much. Despite all the bad things he did to me when we were younger, I don't hold any ill will toward him.

But for me, this has been a good release of the past. I'm happy to know that I've grown up enough to realize that two people can have a history between them, but that doesn't mean they have a future together.