I hope I can finish this entry.

I had way too much to drink last night, and I'm paying for it today.

Bud came over on his Harley (oh, what a damn nice bike!) and we sat outside with Scott and some of his friends, drinking and smoking and laughing hysterically about old times. It's funny how after not seeing each other in almost 12 years, that we can pick up right where we left off. I guess some things never change where first love is involved.

I was sitting in my chair next to him, and he pulled my legs up over his and was playing with my feet, especially my toe rings. I was wearing a tank top and my flannel plaid pajama bottoms, and he kept running his hand up my legs. It was nice to have someone touch me affectionately and admiringly, although I got a little worried that Scott might freak out. It felt a little weird, but that is just the way it is with me and Bud.

I don't think it's something that will ever change, even if it never amounts to anything in the long run. We are fundamentally incompatible despite whatever attraction continues to draw us together. It took me a long time to realize it; I just don't think he has figured it out yet.

That doesn't mean I can't enjoy it, though!

Although it would probably be the ultimate irony if I ended up with my high school sweetheart again after my divorce, considering The Ex has ended up with his. Makes you wonder what the heck we were doing married for the last fifteen years!

Speaking of The Ex, I must be the best soon-to-be ex-wife a man could ever wish for. It seems I've somehow become a counselor to him over the dealings his Live-In is having with her ex. It feels very bizarre, but also strangely comfortable. I think in a way he turns to me over this because I am more of a fighter than she is, and he respects that part of me even though there were times he hated it when it came to our personal conflicts.

They are having so much trouble with her ex that he and the kids may have to temporarily vacate the house until her divorce is final, although he is also trying to actually buy the house himself to avoid that possibility. I don't really have the animosity towards her that you'd expect given the situation. I jokingly label her "The Other Woman" sometimes, but it isn't mean-spirited. I do wish she would be a little bit more aggressive against her ex, mainly because my kids are involved in this and I don't like seeing their lives further disrupted after what they've been through the past year.

She did pay me a compliment to my children the other day. She was apologizing to them for the situation with her ex, and said that they should be proud of me for being so mature in the way I have handled things.

I don't know if a compliment from her means much, but at least she recognizes how much more difficult I could be if I wanted to. And it really wouldn't hurt for her to be a little more difficult on her end, given the wacko ex she seems to be dealing with.

I'm almost tempted to go out there and straighten the whole lot of them out, let me tell you!

Yeah, let's forget the irony of someone giving advice to others when her own personal life is such a joke!

Did I mention I actually went out on a date the other night? Yeah, me. I am not sure why I did it, although this creeping, aggravating loneliness I've felt lately probably had a great deal to do with it.

It was with a guy I'd met from Matchmaker a while back, and had talked to on the phone, but never met. He was cute and I had fun.

Hmmmm, so why don't I care if I ever see him again? I have been so lonely lately and wanting to have someone special to devote my time to. I feel very strange, like I'll just explode from all this pent-up passion building up inside of me. Is it just hormonal? I have no idea.

I just feel like I'm wasting my cuteness, haha. A woman at work asked me if I was dating anyone, and she seemed shocked when I told her no, and I asked if she knew anyone, hehe. She said, "But you're so cute, I can't believe you don't have someone in your life!"

Yeah, go figure.

I guess I could go back to Matchmaker, but I don't feel the desire to. Yet it's going to be hard to find someone if I stay home all the time.

On the other hand, there I was with my date, and then last night with Bud, and I don't feel inclined to move forward with either of those possibilities.

All I can say is God Bless the next guy I finally fall for. He has no idea what's in store for him!