This has been a rough week on me, for reasons I don't completely understand, so I asked for tomorrow off as a personal day. Yippee!!! I get to sleep late in the morning!!

I decided to go pick up the kids Saturday morning, so Cody can play in his soccer game. Having Friday off is my way of taking care of myself, getting that extra sleep I usually have to save for Saturday.

It seems rather sad for someone to need so much sleep, but I just haven't been myself since the terrorist attacks. I feel in a funk, on the verge of tears most of the time, and I'm not thrilled about that. I hate feeling unstable in any shape or form.

Unfortunately, I've also been plagued with thoughts of YouKnowWho, and that's been very frustrating for me. It seems that right when I realized that I've been able to take a mental break from all of that drama, suddenly it reared back up and bit me on the ass - and heart.

Maybe it's being back on Matchmaker that has dredged it all up again. I don't really know.

What I do know is that a partial lobotomy sounds pretty tempting right now.

"Doctor, could you just remove this section right here? Yeah, that's the one giving me trouble. And while you're at it, could you remove a sizeable chunk of my heart? Thank you!"

If only it were that easy.

I'm debating now whether to go to the SA concert on Saturday night. I found out that the Tattoo Bar is a rather tiny place - meaning it will be difficult for me to hide away from ER in the crowd. I just don't know if I'm up to actually having him see me. It might be too awkward. Do I expect him to say something to me if he notices me? What if he doesn't? How will I feel either way?

Plus, the band's appearance probably won't be until after 11 p.m. Given my sudden need for excessive sleep, I wonder if I can even stay up that late!!

On the other hand, I wonder if my ambivalence is evidence of simple cowardice on my part. I think I'm a bit afraid that seeing him again will arouse old feelings that I'm better off not dealing with right now - considering I'm still feeling damaged from another recent heartbreak. Do I really need to be reminded of another failure in my life?

I do know that I'll probably regret it if I don't go; the opportunities to see him play are rare. This has turned into quite a dilemma for me.

I've given the guy on Matchmaker an alias for the journal - Blue - based on his MM nickname. We've exchanged phone numbers now, but haven't actually spoken yet because he's in Austin on business at the moment.

I'm still ambivalent about Blue. Right now we're chatting on MM while I'm writing in this journal (which he doesn't know about, of course). I just haven't decided whether I'm ready to go through all this again or not.

There's been nothing objectionable about him to cause me to be reluctant; it's my own head and heart that are getting in the way. I feel like a fake somehow, because I'm not all there, free and clear to move on.

I know I should probably just take the chance because it could very well turn out to be a good thing. But for the first time that I can remember, I'm deathly afraid of what might happen next.

Part of me wants to just make a decision to become a damn spinster, committed to a life of singlehood so I can avoid having to deal with these issues once and for all.

But another part of me knows that I will be happiest when I can share my life with someone who loves me as much as I love him.

It just seems that somehow the past few months have taken the wind out of my sails, and I'm having trouble whipping up the gusts again. My little boat just seems to be drifting aimlessly, one minute headed to the shore, the next minute headed for open seas.

I think I'm waiting for a tugboat to come along and drag me once and for all in the right direction.