I'm writing this entry not because I have anything interesting to say, but merely out of a sense of obligation to my journal.

This has been an intense but ultimately very boring week. Nothing but work, work, work, with a lot of sleep mixed in. Each evening I always think I'll write in the journal, but that warm cozy bed keeps calling my name, and I end up vegging and watching TV, reluctant to budge.

In a weird way, the stress of work has been a blessing for me these past two months. I haven't had the luxury of indulging in thoughts of heartbreak or sadness very much. And I suppose that is a very good thing. Too much rumination and overanalyzing is bad for me.

On the other hand, while work has kept me from thinking about the bad stuff in my personal life, it's also kept me from dealing with the important stuff - like getting that divorce finalized and looking for a new place to live. I need to make a greater effort to focus on those things that will help me begin a new chapter in this storybook called "My Life".

Because frankly, the old chapter is getting pretty stale. You can only spend so much time mourning the past, and I tired of it fairly quickly. I'm sure if I prodded a certain place on my heart hard enough, I could still conjure up those feelings and emotions. But I have made a conscious decision to stay away from that area, in the name of self-preservation.

Work has gone a long way in assisting with that, keeping my brain occupied to the point where, when those little thoughts do crop up, I'm always surprised to find them there. And I'm proud of myself for keeping them buried deep enough that they only spring up infrequently, instead of being a constant refrain in my head as they once were.

I just don't want to think about what once was anymore.

During the week, this seems relatively easy. Weekends, on the other hand, are a different matter altogether. Too much free time leads to dangerous lines of thinking, and I have to try much harder to avoid what I must avoid if I am to ever defeat that pain.

Perhaps that's where all those shopping urges come from. They get me out of my house, out of my bed, out of my mind. A short-term solution perhaps, but hey, at this point, I'll take any solution I can find!

Because in those weaker, weekend moments, I realize that it's been three months since I've felt that rush that comes from being touched by someone I really care about. With each day that passes, it becomes harder to remember what that feeling was like. Harder to remember his face, or his voice, or his lips pressed against mine. He's becoming a blur. We've been apart longer than we were together, and now we're strangers again - all of which makes me very sad, even though I know it's part of the process of letting go.

I know one day, I'll wake up and not need the crutches anymore. My heart and mind will be free and clear of the past, and ready for the future. Until that day comes, avoidance is the answer to all.

Avoidance - and maybe some new perfume?

Motley's back home - in a cedar box with a gold lock and a gold plate with her name on it. I keep her on my headboard, amid all the Beanie Babies. She'd rather be in her spot on the floor, I'm sure, but that's a bit impractical. It seems strange not to have her walking around after eighteen years. =(

The belly button is still good. I'm too lazy to take pictures, but it seems to be healing quite nicely. I've reduced the cleaning to once a day, even though twice daily is recommended, because it seemed to be irritating the piercing. As long as I keep an eye on it to avoid infection, I think it'll be just fine. It takes six months to fully heal, if you can believe that, and you have to treat it the entire time. Now that's a committed relationship, haha.

(The Ex thinks my piercing is totally repulsive, by the way. I guess that's why he's The Ex.)

The kids are here this weekend, and Cody and I went to see "Rat Race" - talk about your lame movies. Yawn. I guess it fits right in with my borrrrrrrring life, eh?

Tomorrow, it's back to work and the crises that will surely arise. As much as I hate the thought of getting up and making that hellacious drive each day, I know that work is my saving grace right now.

Because unfortunately, I still need the distraction it provides.