I'm sorry my last entry was such a downer. Thanks to those readers who sent me words of support. It's nice to know that even total strangers can offer a kind thought now and then. For those of you who pondered that I don't "seem like myself", well, don't be insulted, but I had to laugh just a bit. Because, really, sometimes, I'm not even sure who "myself" is, so how can any of you? =)

You see of me only what I choose to show you in this journal, and there is much more to me than what I expose here - although I have tried very, very hard not to censor myself since the little debacle when I was temporarily appalled at having revealed too much to the wrong Reader's eyes. It is a hard position to maintain and occasionally I am tempted to reconsider my openness whenever I am teased for writing the truth about my thoughts and feelings - as though those two things can be easily dismissed or taken lightly.

But I continue to try to be honest and not hold back, even at the risk of my personal embarrassment. Maybe I don't reveal everything, but I do try not to consciously hide things because I might not want a Particular Person to know about them. If ever my words are thrown back in my face, I have to learn to wipe them off and forge on.

As for "myself": I am both a simple woman and a very complicated one. I am not easily offended, but I am easily hurt (trust me, it's possible for both to co-exist). On some matters, my emotions are clear-cut and easily defined; on others, I vacillate between conflicting emotions, and don't always end up knowing exactly how I feel.

I am both angel and devil, good girl and bad. I curse, I smoke, I occasionally drink (sometimes too much); I have a generous heart with those I love. Sometimes I tolerate behavior in others that is hurtful to me, because I do not want to hurt them in return or push them away, even though doing so might very well be the best thing for me in the long run. That in itself is new and strange behavior for me, evidence that I am not the same person I was a few months ago. I'm not entirely comfortable with it, but I do try to examine it for an attempt at understanding who I've become.

I cry when I am sad, and when I'm happy, and sometimes for reasons unclear to me. I also laugh to cover up my pain, so no one can really be sure what exactly is going on behind these eyes. Sometimes my feelings are plain as day on my face, and other times, I can wear a mask that hides it all.

I can be a bitch when I am angry, and the most tender person when I feel love for another human being. I will fight like mad to defend those I care about, and kiss someone gently ten minutes later.

I can talk so much that I end up saying way more than I intended to, and I can say so little that people have to guess what's on my mind.

I thrive on logical thinking, and yet I trust my intuition. I can overanalyze a thing to death, and then act purely on impulse.

Some may find my inconsistency mysterious, while others may think I'm just mental!

But whatever you imagine you might know about me, pay close attention - you're likely to discover that you really don't know me at all.