Today I officially closed an enormous chapter in my life story - a chapter marked on either end by national tragedies.

The chapter opened in 1986, a few days after the space shuttle Challenger exploded shortly after take-off, and it ended one month to the day after the World Trade Center was attacked.

It took less than three minutes to put the finishing touches on the past sixteen years of my life. A hand held up to swear to my truthfulness, several routine questions answered with simply "yes" or "no", a few kind words from a judge, and I was once again free - a divorced woman.

During the questioning by my lawyer, I hesitated when she asked if there was any chance for reconciliation - not because I believed there was, but because I was tempted to point out jokingly that it was unlikely, given that The Ex is living with another woman. The judge misread my smiled "no", and asked, "Are you sure?" I reaffirmed my answer, and then the judge asked if I was okay. A strange question, but this judge appeared to truly care about the answer.

"Yes, Your Honor, I'm fine. Thank you for asking."

Although he didn't need to be, The Ex was present in the courtroom. We drove there together - arriving around 8:30 a.m. at the same courthouse where we married so many years ago. On the way, we joked about how he wouldn't let me listen to Howard or smoke in his truck on the ride there, even in honor of such a momentous occasion. He laughed that soon, he wouldn't have to take orders from me anymore. I countered that he shouldn't be so sure about that.

He sat quietly in the courtroom, watching my performance. As I walked back to my seat to wait for my lawyer to finalize a second divorce, apparently the look on my face must have caused him concern as it had the judge, because later he said that he thought I was about to cry at that moment. I don't remember feeling that way at all, but given that my face can sometimes reveal things that even I am not aware of, there's no telling what emotions might have been on display.

We followed my lawyer (who, by the way, was surprisingly very pregnant - I obviously haven't seen her in a while!) out to the hallway and up to the third floor to wait for our official copies of the decree and QDRO. Then we left and drove to her office so that I could sign the special warranty deed giving The Ex my interest in the house "we" bought. Of course, I made him pay the $20 fee for filing the deed. =)

Then, he drove me home in the rain, where we said our goodbyes.

I walked into the house, lit a cigarette, and sat, staring at my computer screen, a little numb, a little shocked, three words echoing repeatedly in my head:

I am divorced.

  

Even now, as I write the words, I'm crying, and I'm not really sure why. It's not that I'm in love with The Ex, although I do love him. You don't spend nearly half of your life with someone, have children with him, and just stop caring about him because of a few pieces of paper.

But I think that the reason I am really crying is that now I am officially and truly alone in the world again. I'm not half of a couple anymore, even a separated couple. It's just me now - and I do recognize that I have lost something important.

One of the greatest human needs is to have someone to share life with. Someone who'll worry when we're late coming home. Someone who'll listen when we talk about what happened during our day. Someone who'll think of us first when they want to share news, good or bad. Someone to fight with, laugh with, commiserate with. Someone to warm your cold feet against in bed. Someone you can bitch at for stealing all the blankets in the middle of the night. =)

The Ex filled that role for me. Although we couldn't make a marriage work, we have been each other's best friend in the sense of sharing our daily lives together. And even though we've been separated for well over a year, it still isn't the same thing as being legally divorced.

I don't know that a judge's signature will change some of the basics of our relationship: we still exchange e-mails about trivial things, still share funny stories about our kids (though he obviously has more to tell me than the other way around), and still keep each other up-to-date on our respective families.

I'm not unhappy about the divorce - but it still makes me very sad.

  

I have an album somewhere containing pictures from our wedding celebration - pictures of me with that laughable blue eye shadow The Ex loved to tease me about.

The blue eye shadow is gone, and the permed hair, and much of my youth as well, but I still wanted to mark the occasion with photos.

Does that smile look forced to you?

=)