It's quite amazing how you can struggle so hard to find the right way to make a single, simple request - and then find yourself unexpectedly in the midst of a war of words.

All I sought was closure - to sever that final connection that I felt was holding me back from moving on. It wasn't an easy decision - there's someone you care about who has ended your relationship, and yet, they are still reading your online journal. Part of you doesn't really want to ask them to stop, because that means it will finally be over for good, but you know deep down that it is the single thread that is causing a problem for you in terms of your own healing.

You're torn - because on the one hand, they are still on the peripheral of your life, still a constant reminder to you of their existence - which gives you a false sense of hope - but on the other hand, they're not really in your life at all. You're confused, because you don't understand why on earth they would do something like that - how can they not know that you would question their strange interest in your words? Are they really so insensitive to the pain that they have caused you, that they don't realize that what they're doing is inappropriate behavior if they want you to truly believe the relationship is over?

Please, put yourself in my position and ask: what would YOU think if someone dumped you but still regularly read your online journal - an online journal where you clearly indicated that you were struggling with getting over them?

Would you think, oh, they must really appreciate my intelligent and insightful writing!?

Or would you think, hey, is it possible they're still interested in me?

Does everyone now understand the source of my confusion?

Generally, a relationship is best ended when there is a clean, clear break. You just leave each other's lives for good, and the healing begins - sometimes slowly, sometimes hidden where you can't even see it - but it does begin once you eliminate those daily reminders from your life.

Leave one reminder in place, and you'll never get past it.

Unfortunately, I have never been in this type of situation before - I did not have an online journal prior to this relationship, and therefore never had to deal with it as an aspect of a break-up. But to me, it really didn't seem to be any different than the offline connections people have that they manage to sever at the end of their relationship. You stop seeing each other, you stop calling each other - you stop reading each other's online journals!!

(And in my mind, checking their journal site eight times in one day is the equivalent of calling their house repeatedly and hanging up. Of course, you would generally expect that type of behavior to be typical for the dumpee not the dumper. Yet somehow, I'm the one who "can't let go".)

And that was why I finally made my request. It was hard, hard, hard for me to do! I got support and encouragement from some friends who pointed out that this confusion wasn't good for me, that I needed closure if I was to ever move on. And I worked up the courage to do the one thing I did not want to do.

I stared at that composed e-mail for a good two hours. Did it sound bitchy? Pitiful? Overly dramatic? Would he understand what I was asking for and why I was asking for it?

Nope, he sure as hell didn't.

My "simple" request turned into anything but that. I was suddenly on the defensive, accused of holding onto something that was non-existent, and things deteriorated to the point that I finally just shut up. You can't explain yourself to someone who doesn't want to hear it - especially someone who questions whether you fire accusations at your readers in an attempt to run them off! - so there was no point in trying anymore.

I just said to myself: Fuck it! I took a Xanax and went to bed. Though I slept really well, I woke up with a headache. Bah!!

And damned if I didn't check my logs this morning and see that he visited my journal again, a full hour after his last e-mail.

I guess that was just his way of honoring my request.

Oh, hell, there I go again - assigning my own meaning.

What-fucking-ever.