I ended a long week at work by spending three hours in my car - driving to get the kids. That's how long it took after leaving work to go get them and finally make it back home. Exhausting, especially since I had taken some Tylenol Allergy Sinus medicine earlier in the day and just wanted to lay down.

I didn't expect that I'd be picking the kids up until today, because Cody had a soccer game this morning. But Justin called me at work yesterday afternoon and said that Cody had decided he'd rather skip his game this weekend so he could come and see me instead.

(Speaking of Cody and soccer, The Ex sent me an e-mail: "Cody scored his first goal last night. He kicked it over the goalie's head. He was so proud of himself. He threw his hands up and said thank you and praise the Lord. Must be the church thing.....")

I've tried not to put him in the position of having to choose between me and his fun, although it's been really hard on me, only getting to see them for a little over 24 hours every two weeks. It just doesn't seem like enough time.

I've been really bad about calling them on the phone during the time we're apart, mainly because I've been sick and dealing with so much personal B.S. that it's been all I can do to just work all day and then try to recover in the evenings. Plus, I have to admit, it's hard on me to just talk to them over the phone - it merely makes me realize how far away they are and how much I miss them.

That reminds me of being in front of the judge, and The Ex asking me if I was about to cry - I told him later that probably what I was so emotional about was the fact that I had just officially signed over custody of my children. He pointed out that since we are joint managing conservators, I didn't really give up custody - but for all intents and purposes, I think we both know that I have done exactly that.

That is hard for me to admit to myself sometimes - that my children are better off with The Ex than they would be with me. I know I did the right thing for everyone, but still, it's like admitting that I'm a failure in some way.

My life is just so far removed from what it was a little over a year ago. Maybe that's why I feel like I'm floundering sometimes, because I haven't figured out how to be now that I'm no longer in the day-to-day roles of wife and mother.

I may not have been perfect in those roles, but at least I wasn't lonely. It's funny how frustrating living with other people can be, and so you hunger for privacy - and then you have it, and all you can think about is how silent the house is, and how you have no one to talk with but yourself and your cats, and how nice it would be to have someone around making noise - even if you end up griping at them for doing so.