I've been neglectful, I know.

I wish I had some marvelous excuse for my lack of entries.

You know, like I've won the Texas Lotto and have spent the last nine days in a flurry of spending my new wealth?

Or, I've met the man of my dreams and have been so busy having incredible, mind-blowing sex that I haven't had the energy to compose a complete sentence?

Or maybe a visit to my doctor revealed an inoperable brain tumor and the shock of finding out caused me to lapse into a coma?

Is it possible I've broken all the fingers on both my hands and have therefore been unable to type, until now when I've finally mastered the art of typing with my feet?

The answer, of course, is none of the above.

I've been avoiding this journal, for reasons I really can't explain. I get the impression that I'm attempting to evade something that I don't want to deal with, but I'm not sure what that is exactly. Maybe some particular emotion that I'm afraid will come out if I start writing?

I just know that I have found other things to keep me occupied, primarily (surprise!) more redesign of my main site, e-mail arguments on such intriguing topics as the origination of "In God We Trust" as our national motto, and ever more mundane activities - all designed to prevent me from writing here.

Maybe I don't like having to think of things to write about, because then I have to face that my life is overall, pretty damn dull. But isn't that the key to good journal writing: finding diamonds among the coal of everyday existence?

I just see an awful lot of coal these days, and not nearly enough diamonds.

I'm a Scrooge when it comes to the holiday season. I used to blame it on the fact that when I was younger, the holidays meant too much time around the ogre who was my stepfather, and lots of other B.S. related to him and his family which made the holidays a depressing time of year for me. Now, I also think I'm partly affected by S.A.D.D. - you know, that strange form of depression that occurs during the fall and winter months when the days seem so short and lacking in sunlight?

Since I'm already prone to depressive episodes in my life, it makes sense that these darker days would impact me negatively as well.

I'm trying to take advantage of the tanning salon to get some artificial light in my life. I'm already having to fight against the little cloud of unhappiness that seems to hang over my head these days when I think of my life in general, so I figure every little bit helps.

I've also been feeding myself - in particular, I've had quite a hankering for steak lately. Red meat. I have no idea what that is about - maybe it's sexual, hehe. I just find myself thinking of steak a great deal when I think about food. I'm especially fond of the steak on Don Pablo's Steak and Enchilada platter. There's just something about the chipolte butter they baste the steak in that makes it incredibly tender and yum.

Damn, I shouldn't have started thinking about it, because now I want one!!

I have too much fun with the people at work. There are four of us who sit in this one area (I refer to us as "The Indians", as in "too many Chiefs and not enough Indians") and we have some really great and diverse conversations while working. I'm sure it's a distraction to some in the office, but I'm really grateful no one has put the damper on us yet. Maybe it's because they comprise my entire social life, hehe.

But truthfully, I know I would hate to leave this job for one key reason - or rather, three of them - we are the perfect blend of co-workers, and I'm glad to have them in my life right now, even if it's only by virtue of my work that they're there at all.

When we move the office, our cubicles will be a little differently arranged, so it will affect us somewhat - but not much, I'm hoping. I enjoy having the distraction, because my work would probably be pretty tedious otherwise, and I'd be more likely to start getting bored and therefore, dissatisfied.

I have too little happiness in my life. This small clique is responsible for keeping me afloat right now.

And they have no clue how grateful I am for that fact.