I really don't think I've felt relaxed since the moment I realized I'll be moving soon.

My brain has been flooded with an internal "to-do" list, and it's made it hard for me to sleep well, work well, or eat well. Because of that, I ended up with a migraine the last three days of the work week. =(

It's gone now, but I'm not at all ready to go back to work tomorrow.

I just want to get this move over with, so I can feel settled again.

Yesterday, I cleaned out my closet to get rid of clothes I never wear anymore, and which I therefore do not want to haul to the new apartment. I'm trying very hard to think in terms of "simplicity" and "fresh start". It's going to be hard. I am a person who accumulates things (most of them not useful) and becomes attached to those things.

So what I've been trying to do is hold within my head the image of who I want to be, not who I am. The image of what I want my life to look like in the future, not what it looks like now.

It's hard work overhauling 36 years of life in a few weeks' time. But I'm hoping my exhaustion at doing so will be offset by the freedom that comes with paring my life down more to essentials and less to excess.

"Let it go" has become my new motto.

Because I'm stupid, I went out on a date with TS on the 15th. You know, the guy that the AP Lady has been trying to hook me up with?

If he'd been anyone else, I'd have found an excuse to say no.

Because I'm bad, I went to see F-B a few days before my date with TS. You know, the guy who serves only one purpose in my life?

If he'd been anyone else, I'd have found an excuse to stay all night.

The latest on TS: he hasn't called me since the date, and I sure as hell haven't called him. So he must have picked up on my reluctance to be out with him on Friday, and taken the hint. Sorry, TS. You're a nice guy, just not the one for me.

The latest on F-B: he might be buying a house not far from my new apartment. Now that would be convenient, wouldn't it? =) There's no need to apologize to F-B, I think we both know what our "relationship" is all about.

Sometimes I suspect this arrangement I have with F-B might be the best solution for me. Do I really want/need a permanent man in my life, or do I just want/need to get fucked really well now and then?

Maybe I'm thinking this way simply because lately I have been consumed with setting up a home for one. A boyfriend/significant other/soul mate hasn't been part of my mental picture.

Maybe it's this streak of independence that's surging up in me that wants no part of having to answer to someone else.

Maybe it's because whenever I think of the last two guys I really cared about, I get nauseated instead of wishful.

Maybe my heart just needs a long vacation from men altogether. But my body? Why should it be neglected as well?

I'm wondering what kind of person that makes me. I'm thinking "practical" at this point, but I'm sure some people might use other words to describe it.

Eh, who cares what other people might think? As long as I like who I see in the mirror, that's all that matters to me.