I seem to have somehow lost my rhythm these days where my journal and blog are concerned.

I don't know if I'm just still discombobulated from the move, or whether it's the overload at work, or just the ongoing list of things in my personal life I need to deal with that has me feeling so out of step. What I do know is that I seem to only be able to come home and stare at the computer for a couple of hours, then run off to tan, then return to the apartment for a shower and bed.

I'm sure there have been lots of little (albeit unimportant) things I could have talked about in my journal, and tidbits to blog about have crossed my mind from time to time, but I seem to be stalled when it comes right down to actually putting them on paper - er, computer screen. I wish I knew exactly what is blocking me right now - although perhaps just talking about it here will serve to loosen whatever is threatening my writing.

I had the kids this past weekend, and I'll have them the next two weekends because of Mother's Day. The Ex has been quite a poop lately - I suppose that's what I get for mentioning in the journal what a "great" relationship we have. Grrrrr. I guess he's forgotten after sixteen years that in a battle of bad behavior, I'm going to beat him every single time.

I have tried very hard to keep things as civil as possible between us, but apparently that has not been enough to satisfy him. Yet I do not take kindly to threats and ultimatums, and he of all people should know that when pushed into a corner, I'm going to push back with a vengeance.

He started this game, he made these choices and offers of certain things during the divorce proceedings, and if he is unhappy with the bed he has made for himself, I certainly am not going to lose any sleep on his behalf.

He and The Live-In are getting married the weekend after Mother's Day. I asked if I could be the one to give him away.

He wasn't amused. ;)

So I congratulated him. He didn't think I was sincere.

But I really was sincere. I don't wish him unhappiness. I simply don't want him making me unhappy anymore.

I joined Matchmaker again (though my free account has already expired), and almost met a guy I seemed to connect with. He definitely had a way of keeping me on my toes, but got very impatient that I was not willing to run right out and meet him after only a couple of days. Unfortunately, the timing wasn't good for me with work and trying to cram in furniture shopping and the visit from my kids in the after hours.

I finally decided that he was one more stress factor I didn't need in my life, and if he was this difficult from the start, it would only get worse as time went by.

But now it's all got me thinking: am I setting my life up in such a manner that I won't have any real time for a relationship when I decide I am indeed ready for one?

I know from the time I spent with F-B shopping for my TV that I would enjoy regular companionship with a man. It was an odd comfort I felt with him - odd because there isn't a romantic component to it at all, yet comforting because we were doing something that almost felt like a partnership.

But I know that F-B and I will not ever evolve into something that will put a glow on my face and a lilt in my heart. Someone else will have to fill that role in my world (and it may end up only being me who can do that).

I just sometimes don't see how or when or where I'll fit someone else into this picture, when I seem to be painting it with only myself in mind.