I have the oddest sensation these days: a sensation that I am about to be in serious trouble - the kind of trouble I haven't experienced in quite a while now.

Emotions that I thought I had long suppressed are welling back up in me, to the point that they have interrupted my sleep and left me feeling decidedly off-balance.

They aren't necessarily bad emotions, just a little bit disconcerting.

And the hardest part is that I find them difficult to put into words here, because I am still struggling to understand them myself, to put them into perspective in a way that I can grasp, and thus explain in a way that makes sense.

There are two little voices, one inside my heart and the other in my head, waging battle. One voice is dancing for joy, singing a little song of "yes, yes, YES!" quite happily, while the other is solemn and sad, muttering "oh dear, oh no, we just can't go through this again!" over and over.

Both voices are fierce and determined in their particular point of view. Which one will win?

Stay tuned. You'll know as soon as I do.

Work has been frantic, the tasks continue to pile up, and while I am putting a serious dent in what needs to be done, the aforementioned emotions have gotten a little bit in the way. But I have been able to focus well for the most part, especially since my attitude toward my career has changed a bit since my review.

I got a better-than-expected pay raise, and managed to convey to my boss that I will not be content to remain in a low-level position for much longer. I took a step down with this company, primarily for two reasons: 1) I needed a job! 2) As a fast growing, start-up company, I expected plenty of opportunities to move quickly back up to my former career level.

That, combined with my recent realization and new attitude that I am the only one who is going to take care of me, have turned my focus toward moving upward. But with the job market as it is, I am going to put my concentration into moving up where I am at now. We'll see where I am by the time my next review rolls around.

Alcohol. Too much of it lately. Probably in direct relation to the emotional turmoil I'm in, and the work stress I'm facing.

On Wednesday night, I almost went to a DFW Blogger event, but for an entire list of reasons, I found myself driving around Dallas instead, making frantic phone calls.

First to F-B (thinking perhaps that sex with someone I don't love would be the cure for memories of sex with someone I did love??), but he wasn't at home.

Then to my Howard Stern Buddy from work (he's aware of everything I'm facing right now and is an understanding and supportive listener).

Finally, in touch with a friend that HSB introduced me to. She agreed to meet me at the Chili's in Frisco, and I was relieved to have someone to drink and laugh and talk with.

And I got toasted. Driving home talking out loud to myself about how drunk I was. Giggling as I couldn't open my front door with the mailbox key. Tossing and turning in bed from thoughts I didn't want to think which were made worse by my intoxication.

But the tipsyness is something I enjoy, and it made me feel off-center in a more contented, happy way than I've felt in a while. The only downside is that the alcohol leads me to more bad-girl thoughts.

And now, with all the trouble I find myself in, the bad-girl thoughts have taken on a new, yet familiar turn.

I just don't know what to do about it all.

Maybe it's that overanalytical tendency I have to put everything into neat little piles in my head. Until I can sort out the piles, I'll continue to be unsure of what is real, and what is not. What is right, and what is wrong.

Which trouble to greet with open arms, and which trouble to avoid at all costs.