I did not go to SueEllen's and watch lesbian dancers and get drunk and crazy with my friends last night.

I did not go to F-B's afterward and have unrestrained, alcohol-enhanced, desperately-needed casual sex.

Instead, I went to bed - before 10 p.m. Sigh.

This is what happens when a woman who is no longer in her twenties stays up past 2 a.m. on a Thursday night tending to her emotional needs instead of her physical ones:

She is transformed into a walking zombie on Friday when the alarm goes off at 5:30 a.m.

She sits at her desk trying to be productive despite the interference of her forehead hitting the keyboard when she dozes off intermittently.

She walks around barefoot all day at work - even after noticing that the purple polish on one of her toes is chipped and one of her toe rings keeps sliding around until it's upside down. (She's too tired to be embarrassed.)

She goes to lunch with her co-workers (and a former co-worker she has missed terribly) and yawns throughout the entire meal.

She goes to the restroom after lunch and takes off her underwear because her body hurts so much that even a thong is too annoyingly restrictive. (Oh, my God, she's not wearing any underwear AT WORK!)

She comes home, thinking she just needs a little rest and refreshment before meeting her friends for fun - and while staring at herself in the mirror notices that her mascara is smudged under one eye (and probably has been all day).

She looks at her watch and realizes that it's only 6:00 p.m. - and all she can think of is how badly she wants to crawl into bed and just sleep.

She tries to stay awake by answering questions on her favorite software's support forum, and reading some of her favorite blogs, and playing some of her favorite music - but the bed in the other room keeps calling out to her.

Finally, she gives in and chooses sleep - until noon on Saturday, when she wakes up and realizes how much fun she missed out on the night before.

And is still too tired to care all that much.

But the 2 a.m. business I was tending to was worth the trouble - because I have felt at peace ever since. Sometimes you have to examine the past with honest eyes in order to recognize where you made your mistakes. You have to figure out why you behaved as you did, and compare that to the place where you are now in order to know for sure that you have changed.

And in doing that, I learned more about myself than I knew a week ago. I understand that who I was then is no longer who I am now, and I see that having resolved some major issues in my life brought me back to the strong, sane Shelley I'd been before those things went awry.

I know now more than ever, that regardless of the next turn my life takes, I will never again lose sight of the fact that one person cannot do for you that which you cannot do for yourself.

I cannot go back and change the past, no matter how much I wish it were so. I can only admit what I did wrong, do my best to make amends, and be sure I keep the key elements in place that will maintain my self-esteem and self-respect. I can speak with honesty about how I feel and why I feel that way, knowing that even if the person hearing it doesn't understand or appreciate what I'm saying, all that matters in the end is that I've been truthful.

There is freedom in speaking the truth, not shame - even if you think it's something that might give another person an advantage over you. Too many times I have withheld the truth - from myself, from others - and it only creates a sense of distance. Yet, often the reason why I was untruthful wasn't because I intentionally lied, but because I didn't want to admit to myself what the truth was - and if you don't admit it to yourself first, you'll have a hard time knowing what to tell someone else.

We all know how we really feel, if we just look hard enough and deep enough inside. But far too often, it's easier - safer - to take the path of denial, because by denying our inner truth, we avoid putting ourself at risk. We avoid the work that comes from being honest. If we do something, and refuse to accept the real reason why we did it because we don't want to follow the path where the truth leads, we are only harming ourselves and possibly others in the process.

At their beginning, most relationships are based inherently in untruth, and this is normal. We all put our best game faces on to make a good impression. We exercise greater patience with those we're trying to woo, try harder to say and do the right thing, and generally can see nothing negative about the object of our affections.

Call it euphoria, infatuation or "the honeymoon phase" - but it ends when truth begins - and that's also when most relationships end as well.

Suddenly, the things that each person has done so well in hiding begin to surface. These are not necessarily bad things - they are just evidence of us being humans - but they aren't the things we want to see. We want to stay in that comfortable bubble of euphoria where everything - including our mate - is perfect. Now the bubble has burst, and suddenly we think perhaps we've chosen the wrong person. She's too needy, he's too distant; this must not be love after all.

We are now faced with a critical choice: we can either recognize that now we are getting to the important stage where love can actually bloom, or we can leave the relationship and seek out another to obtain that early euphoria again.

Guess which one is easiest, and therefore the one most people choose?

But euphoria is only a short-term reward; in order to have true, honest love, you must be willing to leave the euphoric (untruthful) stage behind, and deal with the reality of having another human being in your life. You must be willing to accept that they have flaws and agree to love them anyway. You must be willing to understand their emotional needs, and meet them; and you must be willing to reveal your own emotional needs so they can be met as well.

Most of all, you have to understand that loving another person is not easy - it does require work, and if you think love should not require work, then good luck to you in living out your fairy tale.

Class dismissed.