After several weeks of having nothing but pleasant (and rather stimulating) dreams, this weekend has been full of bizarre nightmares.

Usually these types of odd dreams result from medication (such as muscle relaxers), but I've taken none of those, so I'm not sure what part of my psyche has been so disturbed as to bring these on.

Some of the themes have involved losing my job (not the job I currently have, but a job in a company I didn't even recognize); fighting with F-B (he trapped my youngest son inside of a wall (??) and then "offered me up" to his friends for sex); and being at a game of some sort (baseball? there was a crowded stadium at any rate) where a storm was brewing and I needed to hide.

Needless to say, my sleep has been terrible during all this. I don't feel rested at all, but very out of sorts - because I feel like these dreams are trying to tell me something, I just don't know what that is. And I feel like I need some space and solitude to come to terms with them, but with the kids here, and going back to work tomorrow, I don't see when the solitude is going to arrive.

Work is good for distracting me from things I don't want to think about, but in this case, I'm not sure that not thinking is the thing I need. I don't want to miss a message that needs to be received.

I tend to believe that dreams mean something, and until I figure out the meaning behind these particular nightmares, I'll continue to feel ill at ease with myself.

Not to mention afraid to fall asleep.

  

This morning's nightmare was interrupted by an unexpected call from F-B. I didn't answer the first time, because I was still too groggy. I stood naked in the vanity area of my bedroom, looking at his name on my phone, trying to figure out in my fog if I really wanted to answer. Apparently he left a message and then called right back again. So I finally picked up the second time, curious as to what was so urgent that he felt the need to speak to me right then.

It had to do with a car ad in this Sunday's paper, which he read and which made him think of me and my own car situation. It was something he thought I might want to look into.

To his credit, at least F-B thinks about my problems and tries to help me out with them. No one else is concerned about me in that way right now, so I should be grateful to him for that. And truthfully, if I run him off now, that might ensure the demise of any guaranteed sexual activity I may have in the near future. It's not like there are a ton of men beating down my bedroom door, you know.

But is sex enough of a reason to keep someone in your life?

I like to think it can be, when both people are in agreement that sex is the only basis for the relationship. There is much to be said about the need for human touch and sexual gratification in life, regardless of whether it comes inside of a committed relationship or not.

And for someone like me, a woman who has recently discovered that she likes living alone and having her independence a great deal more than she ever realized she would, well - what other alternatives are there? Do I shun men from my life simply because I'm not sure I'd want to live with one again?

I don't think so. I haven't given up on men completely, I just have a different philosophy about them now. If a man comes along who thinks he can change that philosophy, more power to him. (It never hurts to try after all!)

Despite my recent bitter rantings about men, I'm really not that bitter on a daily basis. I just have those rare moments like any woman would who has had some not-so-pleasurable encounters with a few less-than-perfect men. So what? It's not like my entire attitude has to be defined by my past.

I love men, actually. I like that they are hard where I am soft, hairy where I am not - and handy with cars and tools and mechanical stuff that I don't care to understand. I like it when they display macho, protective behavior even when it isn't really necessary. I enjoy watching two men bond over sports talk, although it sounds like nonsense to my own ears. I like it when they tell silly jokes in an effort to make me laugh (there's nothing more endearing than to see the young kid inside of a grown man).

And I like it when they admit that they are perplexed by women - but they continue to make an effort to please whatever woman is in their lives. You have to give a man credit for at least wanting to understand you, even if he does it in a half-assed, bumbling sort of way, right?

Ah well...I guess men are human beings after all, just as we women are - they're just slightly less evolved, hehe.

  

As for F-B: I just don't know what to do about him anymore. I don't know if these dreams I'm having are connected to him or someone else or merely my own inner demons.

But courtesy of an Extra Special Friend, it looks like I'll have something a little more exciting to dream about tonight.

Thanks M, those emails really hit the spot, if you know what I mean - and I think you know exactly which spot I'm referring to! <wink>