I'm a Scrooge, I'll admit it.

Maybe it's because Christmas stopped being pleasant a long time ago, maybe it's because I'm a little too cynical most of the time, maybe it's because I hate the commercialization of the holidays. Or maybe it's all three.

I have no idea why I decided to start this entry with a discussion of Christmas anyway. Heh. But sometimes that's how these entries go. I just fumble my way through and see what comes out.

  

The past couple of days have been bad because of a migraine. I had to leave work early yesterday to come home and rest a bit so I could attend the company Christmas party last night. Given that the possibility of a promotion is apparently looming, I couldn't not go.

Yes, fingers crossed, there may be light at the end of the tunnel at work, unless the Head Honcho blows everything out of the water. So I made sure to make nice to him during the shindig, which took place in his home. It was hard to paste a smile on my face considering the pain in my head, but I think I did well.

But by this morning, I was in no shape to pretend any longer, and had to stay home today. Despite all the drugs I've taken, there is still a sharp ache in my head, yet I absolutely must go to work tomorrow. I have to prepare for next week's craziness. (Probably another reason I'm such a Scrooge: the holidays are hell on my workload.)

My boss is going out of town for Christmas, and he will be working on my proposed new job description, and he even mentioned researching salaries, so that gives me some hope, and that helps my migraine just a tiny bit.

  

It's amazing the response you get on Matchmaker when you select "Seeking an occasional lover/casual relationship" in your questionnaire answers. While the overall quality doesn't seem any better than it's been recently, there are actually a couple of intriguing possibilities cropping up in my mailbox. I'm still deleting more mail than I'm answering, but a mighty fine 25 year old currently has my eye. Yes, 25, can you believe it?? God, am I insane??

Oh well, a Girlie just wants to have a little fun, is there any shame in that? =)

Of course, there are some a little older that are quite acceptable as well, so we'll just see where the next road leads me. I'll be too busy to date until the holidays are over, and I have a little something I have to deal with first so that my emotions are in good order. I'll keep you posted as well as I can.

  

I find that I'm having a delayed reaction to a private situation that happened a short while ago.

I tend to be an emotional "stuffer" when it comes to certain matters. Anger, I'm good at. But expressing personal pain does not come easily to me, whether I'm only revealing it to myself or to other people.

Unfortunately, the consequence of such behavior is that those emotions never go away unless you tend to them, and so they pop out at you (and other people) when you least expect it, because you tried to ignore them when you shouldn't have.

Now, it's all coming back at me. Since the one person I thought I should finally share this with didn't seem to understand why I'd bother doing so, I find that I am back where I started, dealing with it alone - only this time I have to actually deal with it, and not just bury it deep inside of me.

Add to that my anger with myself for revealing it at all in a stupid moment of vulnerability (after being insulted in a way that defies explanation), and you've got a double whammy of emotions staring you right in the face, demanding resolution.

I just remind myself that I am a different person now, because I choose to be, and one instance of regretful revelation combined with a lukewarm response isn't the end of my world. I am strongest when standing on my own two feet, and the last thing I want is false sympathy or pity - especially from someone who doesn't understand that being a friend means not treating me like a soiled rag. (A little consideration for my feelings goes a long, long way, and requires minimal effort, so try it sometime, won't you?)

Oh well, shit happens, ya know? That's what life is about, something goes awry, someone treats you with disrespect - you deal with it, you move on - hopefully, better prepared for the next curve that life will throw at you.

And if the curve is a 25 year old hottie from Matchmaker, well, then, let's play ball!!

Ho ho hoooooooooooo.