This weekend, I've pretty much been a bed-bug.

The entire week at work was bad, and the latter half of it brought me to an all-time low in terms of my feelings about my job. I don't understand how the company can expand the number of hospitals to triple what it was when I started there two years ago, and not plan for staff to accommodate that growth. Instead, they expect their current employees to be miracle-working Pollyannas.

Yes, I was able to hire someone to "help" me, but, in exchange for that person, I had to assume an entirely new function (benefits administration) that is just as overwhelming as the payroll piece was. So, unlike other areas, like billing or finance, where they split the responsibility by number of hospitals between two or three employees, me and my employee are still each responsible for all twelve (soon to be thirteen), plus I have responsibility for Corporate. It is just fucking ridiculous, I have to say.

Mind you, I asked when they started opening the new hospitals if we could stagger the pay period dates, so that everything wouldn't hit at the same time every week. That got rejected, which is a big deal because our pay period ends on Sunday, and all payrolls have to be finished by Tuesday - only two days in which to process six payrolls (they're on alternating biweekly schedules, so we do six each week). And each time they add a new one, that's more work to do in the same two-day period. Throw into that the fact that our payroll service provider screwed up something during a recent upgrade, leaving us unable to access the software for most of Monday. Hello? That leaves one freaking day to get everything done!!!

There is only so much one person can take without cracking. And I'm definitely a cracker when I reach a certain stress level. Toss in a phone that won't stop ringing with whining callers on the other end ("Why haven't the timeclocks been polled?", "Why haven't I received my insurance card?", "Where's that manual check I had to ask for because I forgot to do my job properly the first time?", "Can I add my father's uncle's niece who lives in Mexico to my insurance?") and emails that keep coming a dozen at a time (with similar demands) and I literally feel pains in my chest that keep me from breathing.

I never manage to work on all the special projects they're yelling about (convert four hospitals to our new time and attendance system; write a fucking manual for all the HR Reps in the field on how to do their jobs - did I mention they hire people with not one iota of payroll experience for these positions?; figure out how to get everyone's PTO balance on their checks when each facility has a different method for calculating PTO; 401(k) compliance testing where I have to type in wages for 600 employees online; worker's comp audit where I have to break down wages by position, department and state for May 2002 to April 2003 - did anyone ever hear of using a fucking calendar year for this crap?) because I'm too busy running from phone call to email to crisis to urgent meeting on said crisis back to phone call.

Oh. My. Holy. Hell.

I could go on about this all damn day.

So, yes. I get angry at the lack of foresight on the part of my employer. I get angry that they expect so much, but give so little in return. The focus here is only on what is going wrong, never what is right. And you know what you get in exchange for an "exceeds expectations" performance rating? A lousy 3% pay increase. That's not for average folks, that's for going beyond the call of duty. I shit you not.

Talk about a lack of motivation.

And I have every intention of reminding my boss how I resisted the idea of this promotion because it was just going to be more pressure and more work with very little extra pay to compensate me for what they wanted. And that he told me it was supposed to be my decision as to when we added another person. If they turn me down for a third person, I simply don't know what I'm going to do next. I hate to fail more than anything, and I feel I've been set up to do exactly that.

But it's just me supporting me. I can't afford to take too many risks with my job. And I don't want to tear up my life again just to rebuild it from ashes. I'm too old to keep starting over, and there are (surprisingly) many elements I do like about where I work now. I just don't know how much longer those things can offset the stress I'm under, and the inadequacy I feel.

So, I slept as much as possible this weekend in an effort to stop the round-robin voices in my head from badgering me to death. Death - that sounds so freaking peaceful right now. (No, I'm not contemplating suicide. I'm too big of a chicken for that.)

And I'm so full of anger (which this entry probably shows), that I went to the trouble of implementing restricted access on my journal just on the off-chance that someone I work with will come across this and rat me out.

I just feel that I'm being sucked under by forces that I cannot control, and I'm afraid I'm going to drown without ever being thrown a life preserver. =(