Have you ever loved someone so intensely and for what seems like so long that you never would have believed it possible to one day discover that the thrill was gone?

For me, this month has been about exactly that type of realization.

Ghosts from the past have been haunting me lately, and while the results of my internal reflection have been a release of sorts, there is also a great deal of sadness flowing throughout my soul.

I thought I would love this man forever - not just love him in the sense of acknowledging the permanent impact he's had on my life, but be in love with him to the point that I would always feel drawn to him, would always hope that we'd reunite and forge the relationship we never were able to forge before.

Not only is that hope now gone, but I didn't even notice its passing.

It's funny how our hearts can hold so tightly onto the memory of a past love that we wince even as we smile when thinking of them. There's a certain comfort in feeling that tightness in your chest, despite the bruising it leaves. It's pain, yes - but it's familiar - a blanket you draw around you to protect yourself from the other hurts of the world.

It's a blanket woven of excuses you've made to your heart for his behavior. You tell yourself he was just too young, too confused - too blind to see what was right in front of him. One day he'll understand what he has lost, and come knocking on your door again. You just have to wait it out.

This is a pain that I knew well, and I preferred it to the pain that I hadn't met yet. I stuffed it down deep and as far from my consciousness as I could, but nevertheless, it lingered within me - even as I finally ventured out and took other chances, encountering new forms of pain (and more layers of blankets).

And then he came back.

And I didn't know how to react.

I was giddy but cautious at the same time. Playful banter is something we've always done well, but this time, it seemed awkward. Something was missing and everything seemed so strange now. I couldn't be myself with him anymore and, not wanting to share that with him (because really, he doesn't even know who I am, he just imagines that he does), I quickly pulled back.

I thought at first it was due to fear, but no, it wasn't fear at all. I just realized that my heart had released its grip when I wasn't paying attention, and the blanket of him which I'd wrapped around myself wasn't keeping me all that warm anymore.

Strangely, the chemistry is still there - and I suspect it will always be - but it has simmered down considerably. I tried to imagine making love to him again, and instead of feeling a rush of desire at the thought, I just laughed out loud at the silliness of it all. My head had finally overcome my heart, and it knew that the differences between us would make a relationship now all but impossible.

Sometimes chemistry based on history does not guarantee a future.

Ironically, I feel such an incredible sense of loss right now. I wanted to love this man forever, and truly believed that I would never let anyone take his place in my heart.

But someone did, and now I wait patiently for the moment when I am able to throw his blanket from my shoulders as well.

So, for now, I say goodbye to my first love and the father of my firstborn son. Perhaps in another twenty years, when we're both withered and wrinkled, we'll wind up taking care of each other after all. The bond we share goes far beyond a child, there is no question about that.

And the heart of the teenage girl I once was will always belong to you.